Simply put: life is unfair. Every turn of existence seems to land a gut punch to the soul. I have a hard time some days compartmentalizing these feelings. As a parent that’s what you must become an expert at and I am working hard to achieve. It’s not bottling up fear, hurt, anger; it’s more a “put it over here” and save it for later, an appropriate later where you can battle it. Where you can cry hard and ask the questions of both your maker and your inner self.
We have been turned upside down recently by life’s unfair biology. I have no answers and once again I’m put in the position of being able to do nothing. I cannot help. I cannot advise. I cannot input. I cannot replace. I can only sit here, running my engine on empty. It is a false perception in my own noggin that I “cannot.” I do plenty, it’s more a question of effectiveness. Things have and are happening just outside of my outstretched arms. So, I must live on. I must continue to work hard. I must continue to work on me, on my legacy. I must continue to believe in myself, even when it’s hard to see purpose or reason through the tears.
I’ve started working towards some lofty goals this year and I have moments that I want to quit everyday. I ask myself, “why? You don’t have to do this… You are going to fall flat on your face, again…” This voice has reared it’s devastating head many times in my life. It’s easy quitting. I think I’ve written these words on here before (blog Deja vu?). The difference now is simple; there are 3 people that live in this house with me. People that I look up to figuratively and down to literally. One of the main things I want to show my kids and prove to my wife is that “you have to finish what you start.” I’ve never done this. It’s a point of embarrassment for me, not of pride. Want to know what some of these goals are, see my last post.
Who and what I’m leaning on is surprising. My new community that I’ve meandered into on Instagram is fantastic. The surprising part is that it’s comprised of mostly people I’ve never met, sprinkle in a couple individuals that I’ve know for a long time. The strangers have been sources of hope, inspiration, comedy, kindness, compassion, strength and love. They are different than the mainstays, the perceived “friends and family.” I am grateful everyday that I’ve found that platform. I know I have made friends for a lifetime there.
So, here I am. I take a deep breath, wipe my tear soaked tired eyes and go back to work. I must be a rock right now. I must only lead by example. Over the last couple years I’ve learned that trying to talk-help someone has minimal impact (at least from me, the untrained). However, action always wins; building legacy by showing my true grit is my new help for you. Here I go. Come along with me if you want.