Revelation About Math…

Two points: 1. I now understand why I get so irritated with math. It’s because I’m good at almost everything else. Math is not automatic to me. Math takes time. My time is valuable, hence irritation. I can do almost any math. It just takes me incredible amounts of time. I don’t enjoy it and it pisses me off when I do a long ass equation, only to get it wrong because I put a symbol in the wrong place. Keep  Grinding.

2. I forgot my 2nd point. See what math does to me? Dammmmmmmit…. talk to ya later.

Please don’t respond with a “back in my day” comment. We get it. You got a high school degree with an abacus and through college with basic multiplication. Times, they are changed.

See what math does to me, makes me kinda mean… Dammmmmit, what was my 2nd point!?!?!

Afraid

Realization that you are afraid of a lot of stupid shit is something some of us have to deal with. I’ve realized my 2 biggest fears lately.

Legacy: I will just die and nobody will remember me for anything good. Or that I am just a memory already. I admire people that can just live and be, get drunk on the weekends and not give shits about this.  But, these constant questions in my soul drive me batty but also keep me going. I want to understand humanity. I will. My theory is that when you find out, you pass… Will have to wait and see. ((YouTube Lemmy’s memorial service. That’s how I want people to remember me…))

My children’s future: I want only the best for their lives but there is a chance they will struggle as I have. The rapidly changing landscape of the world makes me not know what the future will hold. “Live in the Now” is what I know and learn but it is OH SO hard. One of my friends wrote that it was hard to understand Buddhist concepts and easy to practice. I believe it is exactly opposite. It’s easy to read a book, it’s easy to talk about, it’s easy to tell people how to live the Tao, it’s easy to be hypocritical, it’s hard to put into actual practice. I’m trying to return to my Way. I hope I can get there.

One thing I learned from Disneyland is that children are better than us.

For Now: I work hard. Physical, mental, emotional strength. It’s a fucking balance.

Good Bye, for awhile…

You won’t hear my voice for awhile. I’m not sure what my message is or what form it is supposed to take.(like a reader told me recently, “you’re blog is boring…”  I’m not sure of my macro purpose. I don’t think I can change the world on a large scale. The world and it’s current state have me perplexed and I don’t know what to do. I need some serious me/work time. There are goals and things that need to get done. I’ve lost 26 lbs in the last 2 months, that’s content I haven’t documented on here but I haven’t seen a need. I’m behind in school and frustrated with my time management.  My nose needs to be down for a bit.  So, like many other times, I wish you adieu and will see you later.

If you follow me on the other bullshit, I will continue to post randoms. Mostly Facebook is pics for my family.

“If Nuclear war happens in the meantime, we probably earned it. Maybe the slate should be wiped clean.” -BG

I Get Grateful

Gratitude means something different to everyone. I’ve been on an inward journey trying to figure out what it means to me. There are the go to’s: my wife, kids, house, family, etc… but they never quite matched up to the feeling that I was in. Of course I’m grateful for them, come on.

Eyes open. I am grateful for my struggle. I am grateful for all the shit I’ve put myself through. I get it now. Without those decades of inward struggle I wouldn’t have the capacity for love like I do today. I wouldn’t be the man you know. I feel bad for people that don’t have to struggle. They can’t understand simple gratitude. What I’m talking about is a kind word that can turn your day around, a compliment (when was the last time you complimented a stranger, just because?) If you haven’t felt the struggle in your life, spread joy and watch gratefulness in people’s eyes. You’ll get it.

I’m lucky I get to share my story and I hope some of you do to. I will have more on this subject coming soon…

Monday Blues?

If you dread getting up and going to work on Mondays, you lose. I did, so I made the life altering decision to leave. Going into freshman level college classes as an adult was super humbling and sometimes humiliating . But now some results are starting to be seen and Monday is not an issue anymore. I’m a few weeks into my 1st internship and am starting to see value in me, all of me. Quit complaining and find something you love to do. 

Connection

My views of life have grown and changed so many times throughout the years I don’t even know the difference between then anymore. One thing I do get is connection, connection with other people is what matters. Sometimes those connections are tangible, right in front of me. I’ve had a few great friends tell me that I’ve reminded them to pay more attention the ones in their lives (all I want, really). I’ve had people tell me flat out that they love me and will be praying for me (that’s powerful). The other connections may not be what you think. Sometimes people label them as coincidences but I don’t believe in coincidence.

I’m right in the middle of my own transformation and awakening. The other day I was saying to myself, “there must be more I can do.” It was in reference to working for what I want in my life, my goals. My phone buzzed and I had a notification from a business man named Gary Vaynerchuck. It was a meme of him and the message, #more #more #more. It wasn’t directly to me. It was part of his beast mode assault on social media.  It sounds ridiculous when he says it and is so simple but has so much deep meaning. I slightly recognized the connection and moved on. A day later and I was dealing with my missing friend (see old post or Facebook). I thought to myself, “there must be more I can do…” and no shit, my phone buzzed with a notification from a different Social but again Garyvee saying “more, more, more!” This moved me to tears and my work began.

Life is changing for me. I can feel it in my heart and soul. One of the big reasons is that I connect with you. Don’t be afraid of people. Talk to each other. Learn from one another. #more #more #more

Awakening

A decade ago a friend and I used to talk about a conscious awakening. The topic had many meanings but one that has had me thinking today was about government. Government is no longer checked by the people, until the people wake up. If there is a good thing to come out of this mess in DC, it’s that people that never did before are paying attention. Attention will lead to action.