Have you ever been somewhere and saw someone, someone that reminded you of another? Perhaps someone that has been gone for a long time. I was  in traffic this morning and I saw her.

One of my childhood heroes was taken from us when I was in the 8th grade, 25 years ago (I think). My best friend’s Mom,  she was a Goddess, invincible. I got to spend an entire summer at her ranch, working and laughing. She would do anything for us, literally. When she was tragically ripped from us, I spiraled. The beginning? I don’t know what this was the beginning of but I remember the therapy that followed and it’s failure. I simply said to my counselor that I was ok, that I would be ok. I wasn’t. I wouldn’t be for a long time. I think it really set me up for how I would handle loss for a very long time, not well. When someone dies it’s the ultimate abandonment. Abandonment, my issues all stem from this one word. When someone dies that I’m close to, other relationships go with it. I haven’t handled it well. It’s a very frustrating portion of my history.

I don’t know why I was compelled to write this. It was an incredibly emotional moment on that bridge. My brain knew it wasn’t her but my heart hurt all over again. That event changed many lives. It changed my friendship. It was the first time I really remember death affecting me permanently.

I love you Janny. I miss you always. You are buried near my grandparents and I visit you every time I’m there.