I danced with her in my living room the other day. I held her  and pressed my cheek against the side of her head. With my eyes closed I flashed way forward to her wedding dance. I want to be there. I will always be there. She’s about to be 10 months old but for a moment was the rest of my life.

The tale of making our little skrat is one of heart ache, sadness and incredible triumph. It is very personal to us and I have been wrestling with telling this one. I’ve told it in small circle situations and maybe even alluded to it on here but I think a ton of folks out there can relate. So here we go. I’ll keep this as short as I can…

Part 1. The Idea, aka the Twinkle

Coming up with the idea of having a child is the easy part. The execution is one of precision and timing. Sex is science everyone! Well, sometimes the science doesn’t cooperate. It was many many many months of trying. To single people this sounds like a great time. How many times do you hear, “at least practice is fun…?” Well, I have news for you. When it doesn’t work, it can lose it’s luster a little bit. We got to the point of looking at adoption websites and even contacting agencies. Anyone that has had a kid on purpose knows what that means. We just wanted to be parents. Stress enters and strains the relationship, it is a test like you can’t believe. Right when you are going to hang it up, right before quitting, our prayers are answered. We got pregnant. Another hard part of this is keeping it to yourself. You see, we tried for a long time. My wife was trying to be really healthy and part of that means no drinking. It also means that nobody else can know that she is not drinking in social situations. We devised ways of getting both drinks to me. I drank for two like she would soon be eating for two. You’d be surprised how easy it is to fool a crowd of drunks but we had the occasional fun slip up and someone would call her out. I remember Uncle Danny once spotting her non alcoholic beverage and saying, “hey you’re pregnant!” My wife while calmly pulling him aside, “you shut your fucking mouth and don’t tell anyone…” Well, at least I thought it was funny.

Part 2. Devastation, aka the Tears

I don’t remember where I was exactly. We were going to her parents house the next day. We had planned to have dinner, pop our favorite bottle of Champagne, Chandon, and tell them. We had waited weeks, hell a couple months. This would be her parents first grandchild. The secrecy was killing both of us but not nearly as much as the impending event. Miscarriage is a common occurrence. Actually looking at the data, it’s amazing how many women go through it. However, when it happens to you, it’s the only time it’s ever happened. We went to the doctor and I believe the exact words were, “there is evidence of a miscarried pregnancy.” Our faces filled with tears of heart ache. We tried for so long and so hard, only to be told, “it happens…” Confusion and pain lead to the only thing we could think to do, pause our efforts and the Chandon made it’s way to the back of the fridge. The next few months were tough. I had many sleepless nights and didn’t deal very well.

Part 3. Really?!?!, aka Stop Thief!

We spent Christmas at my in laws’ house that year. It was great as it always is. We returned to our crappy little apartment on the 26 of December. I got up on the 27th to go to work and something didn’t feel right. I went down with my coffee and couldn’t find my car. It had been a few days so I just figured I parked somewhere different. I walked up and down the sidewalk and it hit me. I parked right here, right here to unload Christmas presents. My car has been stolen. We called the Police. I had never gone through this before, so was suprised by some of the questions. “How much gas did you have?” He estimated by my half a tank answer that is would be a couple days and my car would turn up. WHAT?!?! I drove an old Honda Accord. In the words of the officer, “they steal them because they are easy to steal, drive them until they run out of gas, park them and steal another one…” Ok. Well, I am thankful for good insurance because I able to replace everything in the car which included two sets of custom built golf clubs. We got a call later that night. They found our car about 50 miles away, completely empty. I mean they even took my seat covers and floor mats. The one thing that horrified me was when I sat in the car and turned on the radio. They changed my preset stations to their own…yuck. All was well but let me ask you a question, “Do you know everything that is in your car??”

Part 4. Zero Dollars, aka Really Billy?

We planned on going up the mountain and spending New Years at my inlaws cabin. In the wee hours on New Year’s Eve we got a strange email about us setting up a new email account for our bank. My wife logged on and looked at ZEROs. Any other time in our life, this might not have been a huge deal. However,  we had been living in this shitty little apartment for a reason. We were saving to buy a house and we were there. We had about 20,000 dollars in two accounts and they said 0. That is a new sickening feeling. We packed up everything we could find. Our police report from our stolen car, ids, any account info we had and we went to the bank. I will never forget the branch manager that helped us. She was amazing. We spent a couple hours in that bank and by the time we left, all of our money was in a new account and we had protection that it wouldn’t happen again. We had to do all sorts of fraud protection. My passport was in the car, soooooooo, my fault. I had all sorts of personal info in the car. I’m a commuter, so I live in the car part time. It took a few months but eventually we stopped getting notifications that “an account was applied for and rejected.” It was nice to see the security actually working and it didn’t stop us from buying our first home.

Part 5 Chipotle and Chandon, aka Piper Magic

After a few hours at the bank we did not feel like venturing up the mountain. We got Chipotle and watched movies at home. Happy New Year! I don’t remember which one of us said it but it was like, “let’s drink that damn champagne…” Pulled from the back of the fridge, it had been in there for quite some time (almost a year), it was overdue but still so good……..

The result of that night was my almost 10 month old dance partner. She certainly is a miracle baby, against odds. Finding out that we were pregnant again immediately changed me. I suffer from many crossed wires in my brain and that was a tough year. I didn’t treat myself or people around me very well but everything will now change and has. I have new purpose. I have new understanding of what it is to be a man, a husband and a father…life is so breathtaking.

Thank you for reading. If you are going through or have gone through this, I’m around if you wanna talk. I’ve finally learned that trying to cope on your own only leads to destructive behavior for people like us. So don’t be affraid. You probably feel alone but you are not.