Usually I don’t get too worked up. I’ve prided myself over the years at being kind of level headed. The novice would say “laid back.” I think I’ve learned the difference between unhealthy bottling of emotions and holding back what could be detrimental to society and/or adversely affect someone’s health. This morning I had my usual Psych class. It’s basic topics are propaganda and brainwashing. I actually really enjoy the professor and banter that goes on in class. Being one of the only “experienced” students in the class, I generally have an opinion or something to say about every topic. In this particular class however, I had one of those days where everything I said was either incorrect or not what the prof was looking for. Over and over and over again, it was “not exactly,” “can you elaborate a little more,” “not quite.” On about the fifth time raising my hand, he passed right over me. As I sat in silence for the next fifteen minutes my blood started rushing and anger came about me. I caught myself staring into the abyss and so did Bruce the Professor. “You look in deep thought, you wanna elaborate?” I went into a 2 minute ti raid about the fact that the government and advertisers are manipulating people into being a conformist society and at what point is there an uprise in our population that have had enough and turn to violence. That’s a summary based on a haze that I was in. I don’t really know what I was saying, I was still in thought, deep thought about my childhood and how these different kinds of manipulations have affected my life.
You see, I am a conformist. I am a sheep. I am a follower. I am a big fucking hypocrite. When I was a child my interests were music, art, poetry and skate boarding. I grew up in a small community of mostly conservative nuclear families. In their haste to preserve their own lifestyles and what they think is to protect, they tend to ostracize or even outcast people with differing interests or beliefs. I watched it happen to many of my friends. So I hid my differences. I quit skateboarding. I quit drawing. I quit writing. I played sports. I stopped listening to metal and bought a fucking Vanilla Ice record. I tucked in my button up shirts and I lived the life that I thought society wanted me to. This is my admission. This was not who I was. Everyone just thought I was an all American boy that everyone liked. I was even voted prom king my senior year. A popular vote that proves that everyone loves the conformist. Underneath I questioned everything. I built up a hate for my own community. I couldn’t wait to leave. I couldn’t come back. Even today I fight conforming to the world around me. I am a unique golfer. I do things differently on the course. I hold the club differently and even play the game a little differently. I’ve been quasi successful doing so but recently I’ve abandoned my way ( and when I say recently, it’s over the last 10 years, lol). Trying to fix who I am and getting worse in the process.
The lesson I’ve learned today can be echoed in my Facebook buddy list. The happiest and most successful people do what they love. It doesn’t matter how much it pays. It doesn’t matter if their parents agree with there decisions. It doesn’t matter where they live. They don’t compromise. I’ve watched so many turn hobbies into dreams and dreams into careers. You truly are inspiring. I will write about a few of you specifically one of these days. As for me, I continue to write, trying to find that passion I had as a child. I’m going to be who I am and continue to discover ME.
PS. One good thing that comes from getting good and mad is a good work out at the gym. I am going to be sore tomorrow. Happy Hump Day everyone. Sorry for the ranting.