DAY 52:

Be not afraid, it’s easier said than done. As I continue to write and analyze my inner being, I’ve began to answer many questions. Why have I not accomplished as much as I’ve dreamt? I’ve come up with several answers to this perplexing question, but they are all wrong and convoluted at that. I was treated poorly as a child, crap. I didn’t get a fair deal, shit. I have a hard time making succesful relationships, poo, but their might be a little something to that one. I was too slow mentally and physically, total excrement. From a single parent, introverted, lazy, liar, thief, depressed, suicidal, ugly, awkward, fake, flake, bald, addict, drunk and down right no-good; these are the adjectives I used to use to describe myself, to myself. All are horse shit. I’ve been in and out of these descriptions but never on a permanent basis, a bit bipolar if you ask me. The thing is that I’ve used all of this as a crutch. A crutch to lean on in times that get hard. I just post up on that thing and say,” Oh well, I’m a loser anyways…” “I don’t deserve success…”

The truth, I’m scared. Fear has dominated my life, inside and out. I’ve never been able to say it and admit it out loud. Fear of success and failure. When you live your life afraid, you use that other garbage to fill that void. Then all the sudden there’s nothing. Emotion goes into a black hole. You just live, never actually living. Rise and fall with the sun.

Thankfully most of those dark days are over. A good friend once told me if I was going to be truly successful at some point I’m going to have to step out of my comfort area. That zone you feel safe in, never-changing, no risk, just breathing. That’s not life to me.

I have a plan to take myself (us) to a new level, new heights. Filling in the details to make it a successful journey is a skill I’m learning. I have a great teacher and example in my house. Stephanie, you are a great muse. I hope you understand that. In order to achieve a goal like climbing  mount Everest you have to take steps, you can’t just go and try to summit. Mentally, emotionally and physically preparing, practicing, climbing smaller mountains to test your ability are all just tiny rungs in the ladder. I believe a person can “change his stars.”